You know that recurring dream where you have The Long Countertop? The one where you can’t really tell if it’s a nightmare or you’re just overwhelmed by the idea that you don’t have to settle for an 8-inch plastic cutting board? Well, we have it all the time. We wake up covered in sweat, after finally escaping the house that’s entirely made of countertops—you sleep on a countertop, eat on a countertop, work out on a countertop, go to the bathroom… in the bathroom, like a normal person. (C’mon.) We’re assuming that this is a new kind of targeted dream-advertising based on our numerous “fake countertops that look like marble” searches, and honestly, we’re here for it.
But the scariest part of that dream isn’t the amount of counter space we have—it’s that we have nothing to put on it. Sure, we can pop a knife block and a microwave on there, but what we really need are all of the luxury, square-foot-hogging culinary machines that we wish we could fit into our tiny apartments. This time, though, instead of asking experts and digging through reviews, we consulted our favorite knowledge bank: you.
In an Instagram poll, VICE followers were asked which kitchen products they would love to have if a lack of countertop space was not a factor. The top picks? See for yourself.
You’re a yakitori stan
Having one of these box-shaped konro grills is a great party-starter, and according to the maker, adds some “dramatic serving and exceptional taste for your cooking.” Pro tip: Use binchotan charcoal (or similar stuff) with it, as the high heat and minimal smoke output makes it great for grilling indoors.
Die Hard, again?
Time to hit the ol’ RedBox, it appears. (Do they still have those?) If you’re a movie night master, no home theater experience is complete without a legit popcorn machine. Sticky floors, broken arcade games, and couple-making-out-in-the-back not included.
A press to impress
You’ve been on a mission to improve your at-home taco game, and you just realized that making your own tortillas is a huge piece of the taco-shaped puzzle. Your fillings can be the best in the world, but if they’re wrapped up in a brittle, bland tortilla, it’s all for naught. Instead, make your own tortillas at home, and press them using this dope, cast-iron tortilla press. Pro tip: Cut open a large Ziploc bag to line your press with, and avoid dreaded tortilla-stickage.
What else are you going to serve char-coochie on?
You know, assorted meats. Or dessert! Because marble stays cool to the touch, this kitchen slab is perfect for helping keep dough and chocolate at the perfect temp. “In other words, pies and croissants will stay nice and flaky,” the description reads. Do it. Get the marb.
You’ll finally be Joe Cool
You want to treat yourself to some shaved-ice nostalgia. We get it. Plus, with an indoor snow-cone machine, you’ll finally be able to invite your parents over and show them that you made something of yourself. They don’t just hand these out to anyone!
Rotate your meat like Mick Jagger
This affordable at-home vertical spit is perfect for the rainy days when you don’t want to pop out for some street meat. (JK, the weather is never bad enough to cancel a street meat trip.) It’s also easy to clean and dishwasher-safe.
Hurl your old blender into the abyss
Soup. Smoothies. Salsa. Other blended “S” foods. You might be thinking, Why did people pick a blender? I already have a blender. Well, you don’t have this blender. If you’ve ever tried to blend a ton of veggies or purée a chunky soup, but the blades are only able to blend the bottom layer, you should upgrade to a Vitamix. These powerful machines are mainstays in lots of professional kitchens, and for good reason.
Stop serving rice-flavored mush to your loved ones
Look, there’s no shame in owning a rice cooker—unless there’s shame in having perfect rice every time. (Which there isn’t.) Investing in a good rice cooker can completely change your cooking style. When you don’t have to worry about fussing over rice, you can focus on everything you’re going to put on top of it.
You know what really grinds my beans?
… This coffee grinder. Grinding your own coffee—even if you use a drip pot—totally changes the taste. Plus, it’s super easy, and only tacks on an extra 30 seconds to your morning routine. The commercial-grade, solid-steel conical burrs in this model allow you to cycle between 16 grind settings with ease.
You saw it on MUNCHIES
Or you’re about to. Or you saw it on some different (probably less awesome) cooking channel. There’s a good reason for that—these reversible maple cutting boards are solid. Plus, they act as a good shield should you end up in some sort of kitchen brawl. Pro tip: Pop a damp kitchen towel (or paper towel) underneath the board to stop it from sliding around on slick countertops while you fuck up some onions with your chef’s knife.
Sweet and savory dreams, folks.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.