OPINION: The holidays are over, and you dutifully listen to every Karen at the office talk about their beach getaway with the family. Secretly you think to yourself, if all these people have been married for 30 years and counting, surely there is hope for me? Right?
After all, dating is really just a numbers game and basic math cannot be argued with. You exhale loudly, throw your hands up to the universe, locate your phone, and begin swiping.
This time will be different. And you might be right, but I can almost guarantee that you will come across the following characters in your travels.
Not to be scoffed at, these men can show you a good time, but it might not be a long time.
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1. Mr ‘Corporate’
Works at a bank or one of the big four accounting firms and wears his work lanyard to your first date.
He’ll brag to you that he keeps spreadsheets of all his financials and has the smarts to invest in the share market without assistance from apps. He’ll also claim to ‘work hard’ and ‘play hard’, but really, he just snorts drugs off a piss-drenched toilet in some sleazy bar.
Pro: You can attend one of the firm’s glitzy end of year balls. They usually put on a great spread and have an open bar. Don’t expect to meet anyone cool though – most of them are just as boring as the accountant stereotype perpetuates.
Con: He’s only concerned about his own finances so don’t expect him to set up your investment portfolio.
2. Mr ‘Tradie’
A salt of the earth individual who will drive you in a modified 1990 Toyota Hilux to his special spot off the beaten track. You won’t be sure if he’s legally allowed to enter the property, but you won’t care because it’ll be such a sweet gesture.
He’ll tell you he’s always been more of a ‘hands-on’ type of guy and would rather castrate himself with pliers than set foot in an office.
Pro: There are no shades of grey and you’ll always know where you stand with him. He’ll be good with his hands and you’ll have an on-call mechanic, plumber, builder, electrician.
Con: He will have approximately zero interest in any of your work-related dramas. In fact, he might even fall asleep mid discussion. His work parties will also be an extreme sport, and he’ll fall off the grid for days while you worry about him dying in a field of alcohol poisoning.
3. Mr ‘Barrier’
His profile will have ‘candid’ photos of him looking vacantly into the distance, and there won’t be a shred of personal flair in his bio. Not even a lame joke.
This also sums up his personality too. He’ll convince you he’s an ‘enigmatic soul’ that with time can be nurtured into a decent boyfriend. You’ll never quite know where you sit with him, and he’ll pull random disappearing acts, only to reappear and act like absolutely nothing has happened.
Pro: Nil, but if you like emotional roller coasters, strap yourself in, because you are in for a hell of a ride.
Con: Emotionally unavailable undercover player who is here to waste your time. Ghost him.
4. Mr ‘Public Servant’
He’s an all-round nice guy that’ll insist on paying for your drinks and dinner on the first date. He’ll earn a six-figure salary doing a job you didn’t even know existed or is required for the government to function.
Day-to-day he’ll spend a suspicious amount of time ‘working from home’ while simultaneously send you memes.
Pro: He will always be counted on to provide easy company over dinner, or cuddles while watching a socially conscious Netflix doco. Your mum would approve of this guy.
Con: You won’t be able to put your finger on exactly why, but this man will bore you to tears.
Henry Golding plays the very lovable Tom in romantic comedy Last Christmas, and says ‘there should be a Tinder for nice guys’.
5. Mr ‘I’m a Big Deal’
His LinkedIn personal statement will be copied and pasted into his bio. You can generally sniff this guy out by his profile picture alone. Spoiler alert – it’ll be a picture of him public speaking at the local Lion’s club.
He’ll have a moderately important job and generally this is his major trump card in all conversations. His favourite activities will include emotionally dumping his work-related drama on you while strategically ignoring everything going on in your life.
Pro: Great networking event guest. You might meet some cool people through his connections.
Con: Basically, an emotional vampire who needs your validation to boost his fragile ego. His position and money might give you a few nice experiences, but it’s never worth the energy you’ll have to put into this guy.
6. Mr ‘Freelancer’
A creative soul who has a large Instagram following and has ‘ironically’ created a dating app profile. His bio will claim he hates online dating, but he’ll surprisingly instantly respond to all your messages.
What he does for a living is a mystery, and it’ll baffle you how he manages to keep himself financially afloat. When he starts sending you pics of himself in the spa at his parents’ mansion (that he lives at for free) it will begin to make sense.
Pro: Will take great ‘candid’ Instagram photos of you. If you’re an aspiring influencer – you might gain a few followers courtesy of his sizeable following.
Con: He’s basically unemployed and obsessed with his online presence. Prepare to hear stories about how other ‘mainstream’ influencers stole his artistically superior ideas.